biggest fear would prolly be fucking being a failure but i dont even know what that means. sometimes i think im so crazy that i am destined to be great. sometimes i think the reason why i aint doing great things is because im so crazy. who’s fault? I don’t even know. bittersweet it is though because the west coast has my name calling on it. so i have to put a real stamp on this place. some reason i always find something wrong with any place thats not chicago but i gotta learn how to be fucking settled. im always tryna runaway from whats not home instead of making some new place my shit. iunno half the time i dont even get what im getting at.
Whenever you think of logic or why you do a certain thing, its weird that when your simply rational you end up being pretty profound. I wrote this paper last year on leadership and I went back to read it because I was reading a bunch of kids papers that i grade for leadership class I teach. The paper i wrote was rational and profound, it actually dealt with helping other people and sadly for some reason i feel im far from that person. I get frustrated when I read these kids papers and there are more I’s and Me’s in their paper talking about them being a good leader rather then stating the FEELING those around them felt directly for your actions. You can feel as good as you want about yourself, if you dont AFFECT someone and only yourself your basically getting high off a free and legal drug. Worse part about it is that if i had to write a paper about who i was as a leader and who i truly am now it would be more closely related on how i feel rather than my affection of others. Im not worried about not being profound, im sad that I stopped being that person. worrying amount image or status of my relationship or status of where my life is gonna go, ive been off from the person i am. Make someone feel like they matter and maybe ull find your matter.
Im not really sure what i believe in honestly, but whoever put me in a position to be succesful educated…healthy…i owe it to them…the universe…science… and most probably luck? to put others in that same position.
but now i know that its true.
my mind is all crazy crazy crazy…
being alone has always really bothered me but there was a point in this california escapade i felt that i could get over that and be alone. everyone tells me that i have to get over that. get over what? is it a crime to be happy in a relationship in the same place? I wonder sometimes…I look around…look out the window and i see willow trees and some palm trees. How is this vacation not over yet? I was pulled over for tinted windows the other day and the pig asked me how long i was here in california for and i told him just here for a little bit. Is that true? I thought to myself…hey sandy your about to live here…you have a job here and probably move out here? but what about chicago and everything in it. Everything and anything is in up in the air right now and all i know is that I had a lot of fun in SF this weekend and showed me a side of California that i havent been really introduced to. Regardless of everything its October 5th, the weather is getting colder and colder by the day and I am breaking down.
Stuck. when your here you feel they forget you there, and when your there you dont know why your ever there. Everyone’s life is suppose to go on. but how come its so easy for them and so hard for me.
thas why all i want iss…….